SO. Yesterday I got caught in this TOtally yuck emotional state. It felt awful in my body. I felt like a prisoner. My stomach hurt. My chest tightened. I even cried – IN FRONT OF PEOPLE! Completely trapped and angry! Oh...so....angry! BLEcH! Even worse, I felt helpless. Out.of.control. I freaking HATE that. Seriously. I hate it.
Ever been there? If so, you know it's ALWAYS about someone else. What THEY did or said....or what THEY didn't say or didn't do.
However, since I'm somewhat self-actualized (chuckle) and enlightened (belly laugh)... I know that my thoughts and feelings were TOTALLY irrational. But that made me even MORE angry because I couldn't find my way out of my self-made cognitive torture chamber.
My friend, Dr. Stan said.....”the gates of hell are locked from the inside, honey”. Gee...thanks, Stan. Doesn't PhD stand for Piled Higher and Deeper???
Let me reiterate.... I knew it was irrational and I knew only I could get myself out and I knew the way I was feeling wasn't hurting anyone but me. BUT the question was HOW? How could I find freedom? Oh, that sweet, light feeling of FREEDOM! What was I not seeing?!?!? ARGH!!!!
I didn't sleep at all. I got up in the middle of the night, drank a beer and typed a rant that thankfully I deleted and am actually typing this right over it! (It still has the same document name though. Def need to change that.)
THEN.....I went to the dentist! (not in the middle of the night. The next day. At a regular appointment time......I digress.)
I sat in the chair wearing those goofy sunglasses.....staring into the bright light over my head....mouth wiiiiide open, and....I HAD A VISION!!!
I envisioned a person I know (who shall remain nameless) that in my crazy head-land, represents all the judgment in the world that anyone could ever have.
THEN.....I smiled at her. I accepted her WITH her judgment. She could keep all her judgy-judgyness and I could STILL accept and love her! The way out wasn't through anything that I KNEW in my head. The way out was in my HEART!
Unconditional LOVE is the key to FREEDOM! DUH-wareness moment! I mean, isn't Love ALWAYS the only answer? (don't even question it)
I was feeling all this nasty blame, anger, resentment, grossness and then POOF! It was gone. It was gone because simultaneously I felt unconditional Love for not just HER, but.....(drum roll, please) ME! YAY, ME! Nobody controls Me! Or, as my boyfriend would say, “Nobody controls Little T!”
The good news for you is that nobody controls YOU either! YAY, US! What's good for the goose is good for the gander. (I'm the goose in this scenario....and, maybe a few more)
Now...I'm not saying I'll never emote in an unflattering way again. Please....let's be real. BUT now I know I will be able to get out of hell a helluvalot faster :)
YippEE! HooRAY! 3 ChEERs for LOVE!!! WOMp! Womp! NOw. Let's get back to DANCING!